The inexorable and mysterious circle of life continues.  The “business” of having a sanctuary for horses, an end home for these wonderful creatures, involves witnessing the end of their lives. It’s always heart rending and never easy. Even when we know suffering will be ended, it’s so hard to let go.

In most cases, the horses are euthanized after a final vet visit determines there is no hope for recovery, and there is only pain. Occasionally nature steps in and ends the life. On January 20th, Digger, our gentle (and sometimes silly) Thoroughbred dropped to the ground and died suddenly. The horses had all just had hoof trims and had been released into the pasture. Digger was in his thirties and to leave the world that way, without any apparent pain or suffering, is not in and of itself  troubling, but it left us all, humans and horses alike, in shock. He trotted out to the pasture alive and then he was gone. His heart probably gave out.

When at all possible, we are with the horses when they die. However,  I can’t bring myself to witness the burial. Horses are large, plus or minus a thousand pounds. They can’t be gently laid in a box and buried in the garden.

We are fortunate and have great neighbors.,Tony and John Ormond, who have a back hoe business and who bury our horses. Friends who have witnessed the burials assure me that the burial is done with gentle respect. Our horses are laid at rest with care at their final home. Digger was buried that same afternoon in the pasture where he fell.

The surviving horses are affected when one of them dies. Their world is not the same after the loss of a barn mate. Chloe, our newest resident, had become very attached to Digger in recent weeks, and  it was a week after he died before she stopped calling for him and before she started eating again. I still wake up every morning having to remember that Digger is gone. (He was a horse who liked to stick out his tongue and seeing that image in the barn every morning would make anyone smile.) A sweeter, easier horse to love never lived!

The animals in our lives take up a big space in our hearts. As the wonderful poet Mary Oliver said regarding her long standing relationship with her dogs: “We would do anything to keep them with us, and to keep them young. The one gift we cannot give.” *

A neighbor’s horse, Indy, died recently. She was often seen by the fence next door schmoozing with our horses in the adjacent pasture. Now she’s not there, and we all miss her.

I remember all of them: their unique personalities, quirks, and preferences. They are all treasured in memory. Rest in peace Digger.

* (Dog Songs: Poems by Mary Oliver : The Penguin Press: New York 2013)